Things That Go Flush In The Night
by AspergianStoryteller
Summary: Flush... Warning: grown-up toilet mischief. No Jiraiya and Naruto romance.


Title: Things That Go Flush In The Night.

Author: AspergianStoryteller.

Genre: Humor/Horror.

Summary: _Flush..._ Don't own Naru. (The original and um, slightly more _perverse_ version of this is on devientart. See my Profile...)

_Flush... _

Naruto opened his eyes blearily.

White wooden cubicle. White wooden floor. White sliding door.

_Where am I? _

Hard wooden seat. Scented candle lamp.

_I'm on the toilet? _Naruto looked down. 'Yep. Did I sleepwalk here? I must be a really heavy sleeper.'He stood up. 'Back to bed then, if I've finished doing my business.'

_Creak... _

Naruto spun around, reaching for a kunai. 'What was that?' A modest wooden toilet stood there, pan of water undisturbed. '...' The blond ninja tucked his weapon back into his pajamas. 'Okay. I'm getting too jumpy.' Turning to leave again, it occurred to Naruto that the toilet lid had been down when he was on it. _Uh, I hope I didn't _do _anything then... Nope. I just sat down and flushed. _Reaching for the door handle, another thought occurred to him. _The toilet lid was _down _when I sat on it... _

_Thud. _

White wooden cubicle. White wooden floor. White sliding door.

_What?... _

Hard wooden seat. Scented candle lamp.

_What just... _

White soft toilet paper, wrapped around his chest.

'What the hell!'

XXX xxx XXX

Naruto's voice echoed briefly off the walls. 'What is going on here?' _Why the hell am I tied to the toilet? How did this even happen? There's no one else here! Just me and the toilet. _

A still-almost-silence settled in.

_Flicker... _the vanilla candle burning steadily.

_Whoosh..._ Naruto's weary breathing.

_Rustle... _ribbon of toilet paper slithering over his pajama top...

'Hey! Who's doing that!'

No one answered, of course. It was just Naruto and the toilet in there. And a scented candle. Toilets and candles don't talk.

'Hang on, this must be a genjutsu! Release!'

_Rustle... _

'Release! Why is isn't this working? It has to be an illusion! Woah! Stop right there!'

Somehow the toilet paper had gotten wrapped around Naruto's chest, arms and legs. Hey- how had his pajama top gotten open? '

'If this is someone's idea of a joke, you got me! Now let me go, I can't stand ghost stories and this is starting to creep me out!'

... 'Fine. I'll get my self out.' Naruto made to break out of his bonds and found that although toilet paper was supposed to be easy to tear, he was pinned down quite firmly. _Geeze... _'I'll be needing my kunai then.'

_Clunk. _

'Crap. That was creepy. Oh no not again!'

_Rustle... _

White soft toilet paper, wrapped around his eyes.

XXX xxx XXX

_Oh my gods. This is too weird! What the hell is going on! _

Naruto squirmed helplessly as he was bound tighter to the toilet beneath him. It was as though the toilet paper was alive, (but that was silly of course. Toilet paper isn't alive. Neither are scented candles, not even vanilla ones.) creeping over his increasingly dis-robed skin.

'Grr- let-me-go! Gah!'

_Rustle... _

_Splash... _

'Woah! Cold! Where'd that water come from!' Cool water lapped at Naruto's bare bum (when did it become bare?) like little waves. It swirled around in miniature whirlpools and streamed through his butt crack.

_How did the water get up there? What the hell is it_ doing _up there! _

_Rustle... _

White soft toilet paper slid across Naruto's stomach and chest, caressing him with three-ply cotton sheets.

_Flicker..._ the scented candle still keeping the cubicle vanilla smelling.

'O-oh...' slightly rougher paper circling his thighs and creeping upwards.

_Gurgle... _

XXX xxx XXX

Bubbling toilet water swishing over fit cheeks, pouring into a little hole. Bubbles popped against skin.

'Uhh- let me go!'

White soft toilet paper, slithering around his throat, and slowly _tightening... _

_Rustle... _

'N-no, stop. Let go of me...'

Soft, feathery ribbon, wrapping around his thighs.

Heat in his belly. Cool around his rear, its liquid caress spreading in and up his blood vessels. Breathing heavy.

_I can't move. Getting hot, no-cold. Tickles on my body. So good... _

'Ahh-'

White soft toilet paper, winding tighter...

XXX xxx XXX

_Splash... _

Naruto coughed weakly and felt liquid trickle out of his mouth like blood, except it wasn't metallic tasting like it, or familiar like his saliva. The paper sliding across his torso absorbed it and clung to him like a wet shirt. It was chilly against his hot skin. The binding around his throat should have weakened, not wound tighter, constricting his water logged breaths. Why did it feel as though this toilet was sucking him in?

_I'm gonna burst- _

_Flush... _

XXX xxx XXX

'ARGH!'

Naruto's eyes shot open as his scream tore him awake. Sweat ran down face. Still breathing hard. 'Oh My Gods!'

'WOAH!' Next futon over, Jiraiya also screamed himself awake. 'Oh shit, what a freaky dream. Gods.'

'You to Pervy Sage?'

The toad sage glanced at his apprentice. 'Oh, Naruto. Yeah. Oh gods it was freaky. I was young and drunk again with Orochimaru, and his long tongue snaking down my thr-'

'Stop right there! Too much information!'

'Sorry. What's gotten you all worked up?'

Naruto shivered. 'I might be peeing outside for a little while. Stupid freaky toilet dream. Uhh.'

Jiraiya reached into his backpack. 'I need a drink. You want some?'

'No way! I was right when I said I'm too young, and that sake was way past its due date, Pervy Sage.'

'You think?'

'Why else would we both have weird, freaky dreams at the same time? You should pour that funky stuff down the drain.'

The toad sage glanced at the sake bottle thoughtfully. 'I dunno, this stuff tastes pretty good... Okay, okay! Don't glare like that, you look just like Tsunade when you do that.'

_Glug glug... _

Naruto shuddered.

'Something wrong, brat?'

'It's just that sound. I'm fine.'

'What kind of dream did you have?'

'Well this toilet came alive and strapped me down-'

'Alright! I don't need to know any more!' Jiraiya put the bottle away and slid back into his futon. 'Tomorrow I'm gonna wash this experience away in the company of beautiful women. Care to join me? There might be a few girls close to your age.'

'No way, pervert!'

'I thought not. For a guy who uses seduction techniques like your Sexy Jutsu, you sure are a prude, you know that?'

'The reason I use that technique is because it weakens perverts like you!' Naruto huffed.

'... I'll just set you some training tomorrow. Sleep on that kid.'

'Yay! Now that's something to drown your sorrows in!'

Jiraiya ruffled the younger ninja's hair and laid down. 'G'night brat. Sweet dreams, or maybe not.'

'Sweeter than before I hope. Night Pervy Sage.'

_Zzz... _

XXX xxx XXX

I wonder, am I the only one who thinks this is funny? Review please?

Fact: I've been interested in toilets for as long as I can remember. I did two science fair projects and a line in a haiku poem on toilet paper, my cellphone background is a photo our home toilet and there's a picture I drew of a toilet on my bedroom wall. :) I'm not obsessed...


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